2005-08-23 - 8:02 a.m.

I knew it was coming

But I wanted to think it wouldn�t. There is a little black cloud over Jessterville today. Jon and I broke up. I know we both knew that it was coming but I chose to think that maybe he would change his mind, would realize what we had and that was special enough to save. I tried to fool myself but that only lasts so long.

I told him last night that he was pushing me away. I knew it was coming sooner than later--yesterday when I was planning on coming over and I said if I get there before he gets home, I will just take the key out of the garage. I mentioned something about getting my own key (he always had one to my place), and he didn�t say anything. So last night, after I tell him he is pushing me away, he told me that he had decided no on the children issue. I guess it is about as mutual of a breakup as you can get. I still want to be with him, still love him, will miss him like nobody�s business and vice versa. I lost my best friend, the person who �got� me better than anyone ever has. I am more emotional about this then when I left Kurt. I told Jon that, and he said it was because I didn�t love Kurt anymore when I left him. Good point. Much to Jon�s dissatisfaction, I told him I can�t see him, talk to him on the phone, anything. That would be too hard. I can�t be friends not now, probably not ever. I can�t imagine not picking up the phone a couple times a day and yip yapping with him or not going to Jake�s football or basketball games. I also can�t imagine going somewhere and seeing him with somewhere else. Guess I will be steering clear of our old hangouts for a long while.

I can do this, I know I can. But that doesn�t make the here and now any easier. After all, (as my mom tells me) I have been in and out of love many times. I do fall in love easily and hard. However, after 18 years of dating or so, falling in love a few times should be expected--once in high school, once in college, once to the person I married, once to the person who was married but not to me, and twice since, to Oven Mitts that I dated for a year, had a year and a half in between and then Jonathan. That doesn�t seem like it is abundance to me�but apparently what do I know.

I guess part of me is angry�when we first started talking about �serious stuff�, I was very clear that I wanted a child, or children and Jon was on board with that. He told me a couple months into our relationship that there was no doubt in his mind that he wanted to marry me. In fact, the reason he didn�t get snipped (and his ex did) is because he thought he wanted another child. Then, he changed his mind. He said it was something I said (hooray for me), that he would be 60 when the child graduated from high school. Big whoop I said, but he didn�t like that idea, he thought he would be too old to do the kinds of things he wanted to be able to do.

Maybe it�s extra hard right now as I have a pregnant sister and a pregnant friend. Most of my still single (or single again) friends are in serious relationships, many of which started the same time I started dating Jon and they are probably all going to get engaged in the short term. Maybe I am feeling sorry for myself. Ok, no maybe about it. I am feeling sorry for myself and damn it, sometimes that�s what a girl needs. That and a new pair of shoes always helps. My mom bought me a cute new pair of sandals when Andy and I broke up, right after I graduated from college. It made me laugh when I threw out my "Andy break up shoes" a few years ago.

Ok, enough out of me and my puffy little eyes. Ann and I are going out for a couple beers tonight after I work out and then go to Weight Watchers. The bar we go to when we go out on Tuesdays is a lot of fun and the bartender is no other than Tony � my first love from high school. He is always so nice to me and it�s nice yip yapping with him (he�s married with 3 kids) so that should cheer me up a little bit. If I have to spend all night discussing what a liar and cheater Andreas is, but she still can�t get past it, that is going to probably put me over the edge as I have had that conversation about 100 times with her. Wish me luck�.

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