2005-06-07 - 1:27 p.m.

I kissed a girl�

Thought that would get your attention�.not for the first time like the song though. For the first time in about 17 or 18 years�. Friday, I got quite tipsy. I didn�t mean for that to happen, it just did. Just like I didn�t mean to kiss both Natalie AND Michelle. Damn peer pressure. Went to 2 Focker kickball games, they won them both and knocked a very surly team out of playoff contention. I am so itching to play again� and looking forward to the fall season.

Saturday, I didn�t do too much. I have been seriously procrastinating the whole packing/move thing, but I always say that I do my best work under pressure. I don�t have much more time to drag my feet over the whole ordeal, so I better get cracking especially as I only have a couple weekends left to get everything done. I went to MC�s to help make potato salad and ended up yip yapping part of the afternoon. A friend of hers stopped by with her new 2006 Solara convertible, otherwise known as my dream car, which I got to drive around for a bit. Then we stopped by an open house at the cutest house in MC�s neighborhood although it was way too much house for this single gal. Saturday night, I went to Jon�s, he made dinner for Jake and I, and was home by 8:30.

Sunday was such a nice day�MC and the girls came over to go swimming. Annie peed on my carpet, cheetos and juice was the snack of choice and a good time was had by all. Jon and I whipped over to my parents to help them move some new furniture upstairs. My mother is redoing my �new� room, it is quite cute. I did a few things around the house and then Jon and Jake brought over a Nick �n Willy�s bake at home pizza. It was ok; I think that Papa Murphy�s is much better. Then Jon dropped Jake off and we went to Sr. Luna�s for a couple drinks and yummy margaritas, home by 10-ish.

Jon has been very distant lately, hard to talk to, which is not like him. I have been pretty upset the last few weeks about it. We had a great time camping and things were like normal but prior to that and since then, they have been kind of strained. After talking about it last night, he is pretty set that he doesn�t want any more children but didn�t want to tell me because he knew it would hurt me and end up breaking up our relationship. He still loves me and wants to stay together but he knows that for me, this is a deal breaker. I am quite torn, as I love him and would like to build a future together but he and I ultimately want two different things out of life. It makes me very upset and very, very sad and my little eyeballs are quite puffy today as they have been the last couple of weeks and probably will continue to be. He said he isn�t 100% decided but probably that enough that it is unlikely for him to change his mind.

His son graduates from 6th grade this week and he never said anything about the graduation ceremony to me. He said he didn�t know if he wanted me to be there, it might be �awkward�. Since I attended probably 20 of his son�s basketball games this year (the mother attended about 2), and I knew that at every one of them, it was possible, although unlikely, that she would be there, so I don�t know what gives. He has since invited me but I think he realized that I wouldn�t be part of the long-term game plan so he didn�t want to invite me. The whole thing really, really hurt my feelings, as I have been a part of all things and activities family related since we started dating.

I have always said that almost everything in life comes down to timing and this is no different. Maybe when the divorce is final and he has some closure, he will feel differently but I don�t think so. I told him he still hasn�t dealt with the hurt and betrayal of the demise of his marriage, but he won�t go to therapy and won�t really talk about it so I don�t know how he thinks he will get over it. Not over her, he was over that a long time ago but I think he is still very hurt about the way things happened and that some of his friends have remained very good friends with her. He was the one who left, she was the one who cheated, so I don�t think that makes him the bad guy but that�s how she has made him out to be.

Anyway, we are going to the Brewer game tonight with his son, I told him to have Jake bring a friend, but Jon says he really wants me to go. He is going to meet me for lunch today. I still get butterflies in my stomach when I see him, and I love him more than I have loved anyone, including my former spousal unit, which I guess is why it hurts so much�

Anyway, I know I�ll be ok, but the next few weeks, months, whatever are going to be hard. Someone sent me an email today and it had the tagline of �They say it takes a minute to find a special person, an hour to appreciate them, a day to love them, but then an entire life to forget them�. Timely, huh? So for right now, I�ll just be sad, so very sad with puffy little blue eyes and try to put a smile on my face.

We are still planning on staying together, at least for a while, as neither of us want to break up�.we have a trip planned for 4th of July weekend, so I think we�ll see how things are after that although it kind of seems like we are postponing the inevitable.

Ok, back to work although our internet is down so who knows when I will be able to post this�and although I probably don�t want to talk about the whole Jon subject, thanks for reading this�I know it�s a little heavy especially for a Monday! Also, some interesting changes regarding some management�.sounds like a fabulous change to me!

Jess

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